mbennwrites

To those who claim to care for me,

You made me cry today. Or at least the memory of you did. Some of those memories were only hours old. Others were over a decade old. The point is, it was and is not unusual for me to feel poorly about myself based on your words and actions. 

You claim to mean well, but even as I continue to politely ask, remind and beg you to let up in your often more than judgemental comments, you just don’t seem to catch the hint (or blatant ask) and do not actually follow through on your so-called but short lived commitment to reform your language. 

I don’t mean to place the blame entirely on you. And I know that will be your first objection. “You can’t blame me for all your issues. That’s not fair to me and it’s not accurate. You’re an adult, you can regulate your own emotions.” And that’s not entirely untrue.

I don’t blame you for all my issues. It isn’t fair to you but it is at least semi-accurate. I am an adult, but the whole point of having “issues” is that I cannot control my emotions most of the time. At least not as well as a regular well-adjusted adult. But I wonder why I wouldn’t consider myself regular and well-adjusted, hmm?

And while I am an adult, I am also your child. I will forever look up to you and value your opinions and perspectives. So when you continue to belittle my lifestyle choices and general existence, it really pains me. Your near constant barrage of judgment is more than detrimental to the confidence that I am trying my absolute best to cultivate. 

I know you don’t necessarily approve of my habits and I know you disapprove of some of the choices I make, but when you comment in the negative about them practically hourly, it hinders my blossoming self-esteem.

For you see, part of the reason I was so upset as a youth was because there was absolutely no escaping your watchful eye. Now you continue to mention how I’m always out and joke that I avoid you, but you’re not entirely off the mark. More than half the time I can’t stand to be around you. It isn’t much of a surprise that I would rather be among friends, chosen family if you will, who build me up and support me to the point that I am thriving in other aspects of my life than be with you, where I am constantly torn down and berated. 

Today my therapist asked me what percentage of your dialogue could be construed as negative. I was sad to admit that your’s would likely be in the high sixties. And unfortunately this has rubbed off on me. I was disappointed in myself for saying my outlook in the negative is easily fifty percent. But I would like to change that. And I am committed to changing that. But part of that change will have to come from you. As I continue to reflect my environment, I will need you to make an effort to change as well. But if you can’t do that I have been encouraged to walk away, literally and figuratively. 

I don’t currently have the strength, or financial means, to do that. But one day I will get there and then, well it’s not as if you’ll be sorry, you’ll just be confused. Confused as to why I would abandon such a stable, loving relationship. But honestly if you could try and see it from my perspective, something that this letter attempts to convey, then you might begin to understand why I might be pushed into that decision. 

I’m certainly not leaving yet, I’m not shutting the door on our relationship. I am just pleading with you to lighten up. Let me live my life with, well maybe not no judgment, but less judgment. I would like to think you’re capable of this change, no matter how radical it will feel to you. But I’m also not asking you to change your outlook overnight, incremental changes will do too.  

In the meantime we can work on it together, hopefully. And build a better, stronger, more supportive relationship. 

Here’s to that hope. I appreciate your future effort. 

M